Conflict in relationships is normal and necessary as it helps you feel more connected and known by your partner. However, unhealthy conflict can lead to distance, disconnect, and unhappiness. How you manage conflict in your relationship will dictate its success or failure. In a healthy relationship, couples should be able to talk about an issue, hear one another, and repair when needed.
Common Causes of Conflict in Relationships
Couples fight because they are two different individuals with different personalities, values, goals, beliefs, and perspectives. Most times, couples do not know how to embrace these differences and make them a part of their lives, hence the conflict. Common causes of relationship conflict include the following:
- Couples trying to change each other
- Interference from family, especially when boundaries are not respected
- Couples having a large age gap relationship
- Couples stop feeling like friends
- Different views in managing finances
- Clashing opinions on parenting
Tips for Dealing with Conflict in Relationships
It takes two people to make a relationship work. If you are having issues in your relationship, it is good to work together to reach an understanding. The following are tips for dealing with conflict in relationships:
Attend Couples Therapy
Growing up, some couples did not have role models for how to go about a healthy, successful conflict discussion. As such, these couples have no idea of where to begin when they are faced with conflict in their relationship. In such a case, seeking help from a qualified professional is the best way to ensure that you get help for conflict resolution. If you decide to seek help as a couple, it is best to seek out a professional that has expertise in couples therapy.
Attend Individual Therapy
Your partner may not like the idea of a couple’s therapy. In this case, you can decide to go for individual counseling as it will also help to improve your relationship. Your therapist will help you understand your role in the relationship dynamic and provide insights that will help to improve conflict resolution. Change begins with one person.
Agree to Disagree and Choose Your Battles
Sometimes, there will be topics that you will not agree on, no matter how well you and your partner communicate. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, do not force each other to change your respective opinions, rather, learn to agree to disagree. Allow each other the freedom to be individuals. Again, it is important to consider whether what you are fighting about is really worth arguing over. If the problem is insignificant, it’s best to drop it.
Set Some Ground Rules
It is important to set some ground rules for how you go about conflict resolution especially if conflict occurs regularly in your relationship. You can agree to take a break each time your attempt at conflict resolution backfires and things get heated up. This way, both of you can take time to cool down and get back to it when you are both in the right state of mind to handle a discussion. Figure out what rules work best for you and your partner.
Own your Mistakes and Apologize
After an argument, it is important that you share what you did that was not okay and own your part. It is not right to blame or make your partner accountable for your behavior. Again, do not point out to your partner all the ways that they messed up. It will only make them feel worse especially when its immediately after a fight.
Repair During Conflict Discussions
Having the ability to repair in a conflict discussion is vital to healthy conflict management. A repair is anything you say to de-escalate tension during conflict. Every couple gets off track at times. However, a happy couple has the ability to get back on track. Just as people are different, there are different types of repairs that will look different for each couple. Examples of repairs to ease tension include the following:
- Using humor when possible. Humor can be very difficult for couples to access when they are in the midst of a conflict discussion but can also save the situation if successful. A good example is giving a goofy smile or sticking your tongue out to lighten the mood.
- Take responsibility when you mess up. Being human, things may come out of our mouths that we immediately regret. Taking responsibility and apologizing at that very moment is a powerful way to de-escalate.
Communicate Using “I Feel” Statements
“I feel” statements are a key that opens the door to conflict resolution and they work best in relationships that are safe, and where vulnerability and honesty are allowed. This approach focuses more on your feelings rather than what your partner has done and it becomes easier to solve conflict from here.
Be Present
The presence of conflict means one of you or both of you are responding negatively to the other person’s needs. To respond positively, it requires presence. You must be present and on the same page with your partner to make sure you are not missing what message they are trying to communicate or convey to you. Get rid of all possible distractions for a fruitful conflict resolution.
Brainstorm Solutions Together
Engage in discussions to generate ideas and solve problems. Brainstorming is an excellent technique that assists couples in being open-minded and thinking outside the box to solve their problems. In brainstorming, couples need to set a time and choose a place for the discussion of the issue at hand. Begin with explaining the issue at hand thoroughly stating the final goal in mind for the best results. Let each partner generate at least ten alternative solutions to the problem, then discuss and analyze each viable option. Finally, decide on one idea to implement and how each of you will contribute towards making it work.
Stop Following Your Thoughts and Focus on Your Feelings
During conflict, it is natural and human that you will want to defend yourself. However, anger and defensiveness will evoke anger and defensiveness in the other person. In trying to protect and defend yourself, your mind will try to make up stories that are often not true. As such, it is important to stop following those stories in your head and instead start focusing on how you feel. If you feel hurt or sad, speak from that place. Let your partner know exactly what you are feeling. Your real and vulnerable feelings will evoke compassion and empathy from your partner and it becomes easier to resolve conflict from here.
Conclusion
Conflict in relationships will always be there because it is a part of life. However, what matters is how you deal with miscommunications and inevitable differences when they arise. Couples should communicate how they feel without blaming their partner. The ability to compromise also goes a long way for healthy relationships.